Wandering the savage garden…

Sometimes you have to just keep going

Writing today has been really difficult. I have a lot of new priorities for the year, because it’s important to me to be more effective in how I live my life, but this week has been just absolutely a massive challenge – I almost wrote “terrible” – for those priorities.

Sometimes it’s the circumstances; we have a problem with electrical load somewhere in our house, so one of our fuses keeps breaking. If it were just the fuse, it’d be no big deal; I can replace a fuse, I think. But to find a load problem is a different beast altogether, and that’s a time consuming and expensive process to fix.

I’ve also not been feeling very well; I’m congested and tired.

As a result, most of the things I’ve been doing regularly have been either a mighty struggle or a loss altogether.

The thing is: it’s my load to bear. I chose the struggle. I chose to try to be more effective and dedicated to the things I wanted to prioritize, so it’s mine to follow through.

At this point, I’m reminded of Nehemiah – building the wall around Jerusalem, with people around him trying to malign his character and disrupt his work. He kept on going, and going, like the Energizer bunny – what a terrible analogy, I’m sorry, Nehemiah! – but the result was that the wall was built. He actually finished.

The analogy breaks down a little, because for me, it’s not necessarily that I’m trying to accomplish a single task (although the 500 words challenge might qualify, I suppose). I’m not going to be able to push through for right now, and succeed – for me, success is that in a year, I’m still doing the things that I’m trying to do right now. (Again, the 500 word challenge doesn’t quite qualify – in thirty days, I will be able to say that I managed to write 500 words on – hopefully – all thirty of them, and if I can’t, well, I will be able to quantify my success rate.)

I’m just very tired. Today’s writing is boring to read, boring to write, boring to think about – I’ve been putting it off for quite some time, because I knew it would be difficult. I guess that’s part of why the challenge is structured the way it is: when the chips are down, when the going is tough, can you keep on writing?

And there’s the analogy to Nehemiah again. When people around you keep hammering at you, when things aren’t going your way, who are you? What happens to your effort? Can you dig deeply enough to keep going, to persist, without just typing the same word 500 times so you can take a shortcut to “success?”

I don’t know… but I’m going to try. I’m not willing to give up, especially not at this point in the challenge. I will find a way, if there is a way to be found within me. Five hundred words? You are nothing, words! I will remain myself, and keep on the best I can.

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